4×12 part 3 – and then fear came

This is going to be a painful and gut-wrenching post, but I have to write it.

You see, after 4×12 post 1 and 2 I fell into fear. I expected that. After such a bold life decision, fear usually tries to come back and get you to fall back in line.

This time, I let it happen because I wanted to see what kind of thoughts would pop up and what I would do. It was really strange, to watch myself do things and just letting them happen, to observe the thoughts coming in like wasps to sugar water. It made me realize all the more what I am here to do and why I chose to help people letting go of their fears through play.

Fear #1 – When in pain, hide

The days after my birthday and the party that followed I first felt really tired and sore. That part is normal for me. My energy levels usually are low, and if I spend too much of it my body just refuses to move.

I went through the motions of it, and had my usual eating and crying bits. I watched myself do it, and watched the emotions I tried to put away with all that food. This fear is a huge block on my healing process. It comes up when my body is at it’s weakest and is overwhelmingly strong. But not stronger than me. I realized that during this process. I will write a post later on about how I continue beat this fear.

Fear #2 – he is too good for me, I don’t deserve him

My husband cares for me. Pure and simple. He stops me when I tend to run amok. He hugs me when the pain becomes too much, and he listens to me when I go off on a train of thought that goes nowhere but is fun to ride on nonetheless.

When I am at my lowest, his fear hits me. I think of how he does all this stuff for me, and I don’t do anything for him. I have had times when this fear hit me that I went on a cleaning spree and spent two weeks in bed, captured by fear #1.

Fear #3 – No one will see me as someone who knows what she speaks of

I was working on an upcoming HUGE project, and this fear hit me.

I thought all these negative things and I dropped the work. I watched myself do it, and let me. I watched myself revert to fear #1 and off I went.

Fear #4 – They will never like me if I tell this

I have known this blog post would come for weeks. This fear came up majorly when I sat down to write this. I keep writing it despite the cringing feeling in my stomach. Why? Because I have to. Because I have to stop living my life as the small, insignificant person my fears make me out to be. I am me, I have my gifts, I have stumbled and fell so many times, and every time I got up. That’s strength.

I will come back to this in a future blog post, and possibly many others to come. It’s that important.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *