This past week I have lived with a flare of chronic pain. It started out to cover everything in a big black cloud of nothing. I didn’t play, I didn’t care to either. I didn’t create. I didn’t write.
I didn’t even write in my journal, something that is a new and relentless passion in my life. I had a crying jag on Wednesday and a feeling completely useless day on Thursday. I ate a lot of baaaaaaaad foods and told myself they would make me better.
Looking back on those days I can only feel compassion towards myself.
I retreated into the shell that is all about dealing with pain in the only way it knows how: by avoiding to sit in it at all costs through seeking distraction in games, TV, food.
I woke up on Friday morning knowing one truth. I was done responding only with fear and sadness and frustration. I was ready to play again, no matter how much pain I was in.
That was when the poetry started to flow onto the blank page and when my hand found my favorite art pen and badly drew my cats. I started to feel my spark again.
In those moments I realized my one truth all over again, in a much deeper way: I need to live to play. No matter what. I need to make space for giggles and for doodles and for silly little poems. I need to make space for my Inner Child, who knows darn well that cookies don’t make me happy. Play does. Play wakes me up and shakes me up. Play stirs the life in me again.
And you know what? I was still in pain on Friday. I moved down the stairs like an old lady, groaning and creaking in all parts of my body.
But, I took every step with care and love, I lay down when I was tired and grabbed my pen again when I was ready to conquer the world, one pen-scratch at a time.
Saturday morning I woke up with the idea to do yoga, and I just sat and moved. Not pushing myself into anything, just flowing into the asana that my body said it needed.
I was tired afterwards, but my body felt… alive.
This is where playful yoga brings me, this is where it wakes me up and excites me. This is where pain meets compassion and love. Self love is a journey of a lifetime. You are born with it and then spend all your life recovering it.
I feel it now, as I write this after my Sunday morning mat time.
My body glows and the pain…? It is back on normal levels, my body glows in love.
This is playing to joy.
This is what I am supposed to be doing for the rest of my life.
I am SO in 🙂